Earning trust hurts
So the other day, like i always do at least one day a week, i visited a dear old aunt of mine and her mother, who is the single grandparent on the face of the Earth that i do still have alive, amidst this Pandemic situation (Both maternal grandpatrents died both in the same year as World Cups, 2014 and 2018).
I know, i know, i shouldn't, but they both haver the first dose of Sputnik V, and my parents too, so it's not a big deal, at least until i get infected, but who cares? 'rona won't do anything to me!
Back to where i was.
I visited her, and we talked and talked, and i dunno how, but she brought to the conversation something that a few years ago... DENIED to share with me: It was that on her younger days, she dated only 2 men on her entire life, and both were sons of a bitches who wanted anything but good things if they were to marry her, so she rejected them in time.
Look, i am not gonna talk about that topic any further about it, it's just that... somehow... earning my aunt's trust THIS FAR (As i said, she was pretty secretive about her past relationships with me some years ago, didn't wanted to tell me no word about it)... somehow hurts, specially that when i was about to leave, she told me that i am one of the MANY FEW people who ever visited her.
I dunno if it's a common sensation or anything, but earning a person's trust so hard... is really uncomfortable. What if i betray that trust she had on me? I swear to God i won't, but what happens if i accidentally do it? See? That's why i don't wanna earn people's trust sometimes, it would bring me to disaster!
What should i do?
In love but not in love
I need some advice
I think... i am in love with a girl friend i've met for two years (If you were quick enough, you might had seen her pic on my profile before i took it off due to personal reasons).
But the problem is (If it CAN be called a problem at least for me) that she doesn't want anything romantic between us two or anyone else, which can be terrible... except that i don't want it either.
See? I am in love (On a heteroromantic way) with her and still don't wanna have a relationship with her, how can i ever handle that?
If it weren't for the pandemic, i woulda had at least a chance to meet her in person for the first time, instead of knowing her via WhatsApp and only see her through a single photo.
Now, i know what you'll think: How the fuck could i ever fall in love with someone you just met through a screen and still be able to be in love? Well guys, turns out, i have the chance to meet her in person nowdays. How's that?
(Sigh)
I am not gonna lie, she's in my head everyday. Today i had to go out in a long walk to clear my mind with this, and i just couldn't get her out of my mind not for a single minute!
It's like a healthy infatuation or something, but i really need to get her out of my mind for a few hours, but i can't
I am telling you all of this behind her back. She has no idea how i feel about her or something. Good, keep it this way, at least for a year.
Be friends, go out, go out again, again and if it ever turns out sentimental, then i'm in! That's my idea, take it slow... BUT HOW CAN I TAKE IT SLOW IF I AM CRAZY FOR HER?!
What should i do? How do i handle these feelings into something healthy for my mind?
It's just that this whole friendship i had with every single person in here, incluiding you... was a total lie!
First off, before joining this site, i was a totally different person, an anti-social kid who didn't wanted anything with anyone and all i wanted to do is to get wasted with Coca Cola in a time where i was politically unaware, and thus, could afford to buy every Coke can that i always wanted and spend every single penny on it.
But upon joining dA in 2010, i actually began to embrace a new persona. Well, as a matter of fact, i actually started with Internet on 2007, when i was a YouTube obsessed kid whose only friend was an Italian gaming YouTuber whom i've been friends until he "disappeared" years ago, not before teaching me a little of Italian and helping me build a personality.
But upon setting foot in here... i started lying.
I AM NOT a kind-hearted person who listens to anyone and that (Well, lies and slander, as a friend always says. I actually LOVE listening people and their stories), i am totally the opposite!
And wanna know something?? I do really regret it, cuz i've made a lot of friends and watchers (Actually, the watchers are the least whom i care, since 51% of those ones i have right now are probably dead accounts and ex-friends who i blocked just because i considered weird) and they actually cared (and still do) about me. PREPOSTEROUS!
Who would be insane enought to care about me? I mean, i am a sociopath who the only achievement i had in here from mid-2014 to mid-2015 was to have an online girlfriend
that ACTUALLY WAS a girlfriend because of the mere fact that i decided to spend money on her! YES, that's true! Don't believe me? Ask her! I actually opened my heart for her, grabbed a big sum of Argentine pesos and ship her some gifts for her birthday AND Valentines Day! The only selfless thing i do recall doing here! And no! I am not saying this because i wanna be a showoff, because i basically don't care about it anymore, that was on the past, she was (And still is) happy for those gifts, i was happpy for her being happy... and that's final.But it was only a facade!
As i always say, life it's like a coin, it has two sides, and the other side of our relationship was that i actully victimized myself for her in order to gain attention from her and don't leave me. Yeah, you cannot believe i am telling you this! And it is 100% TRUE! En serio me cago en el único hecho de que nuestra relación comenzara durante EL PUTO MUNDIAL 2014 Y QUE MI ABUELA MURIERA DURANTE LA FINAL! QUE POR CIERTO ESTUVE A UN PASO DE ROMPER CON ELLA (Mi novia) POR UN PROBLEMA ENTRE QUIEN GANARÍA: ALEMANIA O MI P*TA SELECCIÓN! Eso fue lo peor.
I was totally abusive with her sometimes, even made her cry and a lot of things wrong, and the explanation was that my facade was failing, TOTALLY failing (
chicos, esto va para ustedes, NO ES NECESARIO que le pregunten a ella, les estoy confesando todo. Si me quieren odiar, allá ustedes, no los culpo EN LO ABSOLUTO). And i ABSOLUTELY REGRET IT! I made atone for her spending money for her, and regardless of what my father told me that i was totally a fool of spending money for someone i've never met face to face (He actually realized we were together a month after breaking up xD), i actually didn't cared and embezzled my money in gifts, GIFTS, GIFTS!Now, with that out of the way, i wanna clarify that i do have a hunch, Isa's (My ex-girlfriend, that's how i called her. Her name is Elizabeth for pete's sake, how do expect me to address her?) parents probably hate me.
Do you really think i can live up with that? Knowing that i lied to a lot of people here? This is not the way i act, but in an equal way, i don't wanna harm them but at the same time stop lying to them and just be me!
I blame this to the severe childhood i had, but wanna know something? WHO. THE FUCK. CARES?! If it's my problem, then it doesn't really matter, potato potato! It was my responsibility to be truthful the same day i've decided to join this site and start socializing (Even through, the results weren't guaranteed to be good).
I am totally regretful right now, you must feel really scammed after reading all of this, and... i just wanna say i am totally sorry, i mean, i didn't mean to fool you, but...
It's either:
A) I did it so perfectly that i even fooled myself
Or
B) I actually, in the midst of it all, i actually felt like it would be a bad idea to be antisocial and change for good.
But that doesn't remove the fact that i fooled you, that i got to be your friend but secretly felt like i didn't deserved it just because who i am!
If you hate me, then i understand you, but enough of this charade, i am not a nice person, i am a degenerate sociopath! (But not a psychopath, tho, i wouldn't kill anybody or anything!)
A month, after Micaela, my ex-best friend Ariel's boyfriend ignored me, she texted me back
But not to say sorry or anything, noooooo!
She asked me for money
Yeah,. that's right, M-O-N-E-Y! AR$ 1500 to be exact! To pay for some kind of lawyer for her son who has a disability and the government gives a damn about giving HER the correct pension!
I am learning through the hard way... who is my real friend as of now, really.
I mean, where does she expect me to get that big quantity of money?
(Just to be clear, AR$1500 in here are like US$80 in there, America, so try to think for a moment how big that quantity of money it is, considering your own economical situation
Mine is okay, by the way, i earn like a thousan for a week in my current job.
So i had, under my parents' obvious advice, lie to her and tell her that not even my parents would lend me that quantity, not even if i ask them for money down/advance or anything.
(Sigh)
There's like, a few people who even read this,
and 
to be fair, i don't grab the attention i want, but i'll just leave this here and leave you two guys think about this situation and deep analyze it in order to know what a friend really is in the future... and i don't mean to tell you you don't know, cuz you actually do, but this is harsh
Not to be selfish or prejudiced, but...
Seriously, just seriously, i am SO FUCKING naive, i believe in black and white when there are actually shades of grey, none one nor the other!
I'll never have a friend ever again if this keeps up!
Oh, want explanation?
Well, it turns out my "best friend" Ariel, yeah, the guy from the previous journal entry, started to ignore me in a bullying-ish-like way, but in real life, not high school.
As i can see, he either blocked me from Whatsapp and changed his number and didn't told me, cuz i can no longer talk to him. Asked Micaela, her fiancée, and she ignored me too. For god's sake, i swear i am gonna kill the guy who invented the idea of the double blue tick "Read" thingy, CUZ THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IGNORED!
I am SO tired of being the Star Trek redshirt-esque guy who always suffers first while the others rejoice in joy! I. AM. SO. TIRED!
And this is the second chance i gave to him, since he was the main reason of why i got a heavy deppression, got into therapy, started taking medications, and LEAVING HIGH SCHOOL FOR TWO YEARS!
Okay, maybe you'll tell me "Calm down Rod, you know he has a family, a job and such, and there might be some projects that are time consuming". Well, yeah, he's building his house, but FOR GOD'S SAKE, KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ME! YOUR GIRLFRIEND JUST IGNORED ME ON WHATSAPP WHEN I ASKED WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!
IS THIS ALL THE THANKS I GET FOR SAVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP! SHOULDA HAVE LEFT YOU AT THE PARK CRYING!
Okay, that sounded rude, but... Ariel and Micaela are VERY controversial, Ariel's mom hates her, and for some reason, i don't care
Seriously, the only thing i guess i can forgive him for is cuz he gave me the pleasure of experiencing my first "corresponded" love, along with my first kiss and (Kinda) my first girlfriend!
SERIOUSLY! Should i forgive him? I dunno, he's done it a second time. Fool me once, shame on me, and fool me twice... and dunno what's next
I feel like i wanna kick myself on the groin for thinking this, cuz there's a small percentage where i am being prejudiced, and i am misunderstanding the situation, maybe he's kinda busy, but he skipped contact with me FOR MONTHS! At least he shoulda had told me his newest number
I feel so lonely, recently recognized myself as both straight and asexual, and stopped dating girls, but DAMN i need friends right now, more than ever